A Black's Will
by ZenoNoKyuubi
Summary: The last will and testament of Sirius Orion Black. He will be missed.


Harry Potter, 17, the Boy-Who-Lived, and now the Man-Who-Won, not the most clever name the Prophet had come up with throughout Harry's life, stepped into a dungeon inside the Ministry of Magic, alongside the Weasley family, and several others, including Hagrid, to attend the will-reading of Sirius Black, who had finally been declared innocent, and as such, his will was to be read.

As everyone had sat down in the half moon-shaped, dark stone room, a man dressed in fancy lilac robes stepped up to the podium in front of them.

"As executor of Mr. Black's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Black's last will and testament."

"Well, get on with it, the bar's open soon," Hagrid spoke loudly as he scratched his chin, while Mrs. Weasley let out a loud wail.

"Oh, poor, dear Sirius! Waaah!"

"Now, there, there, Molly," Mr. Weasley spoke quietly as he patted her on the arm.

"God, how predictably boring," Draco Malfoy spoke with a sigh, his arms crossed.

"I never met a kinder man," Hermione Granger said with a smile, sitting next to Harry, who just sat there with his arms crossed. Something was suspicious about it. His built-in Marauder sense was tingling like crazy.

"If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading," the executor said as he cleared his throat, unfurling a roll of parchment. "I, Sirius Orion Black, being of sound mind and body-"

"Hah! That's a laugh!" Harry exclaimed with a chuckle.

"-do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows..." the executor continued, as if he hadn't been interrupted. "To my overly emotional something-something cousin Molly-" Mrs. Weasley let out another loud wail, which made most people in the room cover their ears.

"Molly, darling, he's talking about us," Mr. Weasley said quietly, and Mrs. Weasley immediately stopped crying.

"Oh."

"-who grubbed with her husband, Arthur... grubbed for all they could get, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."

"What?" Mrs. Weasley asked as she blinked away the tears in her eyes.

"To Molly, I leave... a boot to the head."

"A what?!" Mrs. Weasley demanded, and was answered when a thick, conjured combat boot smacked right into her forehead, leaving her with a sole print on her forehead. "Ow!"

"Molly, are you okay?"

"And one for her wimpy husband, Arthur."

"What?" Mr. Weasley asked, and was rewarded with the same treatment as the one Mrs. Weasley got, a boot slamming into his forehead, while Harry laughed loudly.

"This is an outrage!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed, glaring at the executor, who continued unperturbed.

"But still, you are my precious something-something cousin, you have both long admired my house, and since I no longer need it-"

"Oh, dear Sirius, he's too kind!"

"-I bequeath another boot to the head."

"What?" Another boot smacked into Mrs. Weasley's forehead. "Ow!"

"And one more for the wimp."

Another conjured boot left a nasty, red sole print on Mr. Weasley's forehead this time. "Ow!"

"Next, to my almost positively half-cousin, twice removed on my father's side Hagrid-"

"Hey, I don' want no boot ter the head," Hagrid said, holding up his hands in a 'I don't want it,' gesture.

"To dear Hagrid, who has never done any real work in his drunken life, save for only his own benefit-"

"I'm coverin' up me head!" Hagrid exclaimed as he put his hands in front of his face.

"-I leave my wine cellar, and three crates of my finest whiskey."

Hagrid blinked and lowered his hands. "Really?"

"And a boot to the head!"

A boot, this one bigger than even what Hagrid could wear, smashed into the half-giant's head. "Oh!"

"And one more for Molly and the wimp!"

The boots that slammed into Mr. and Mrs. Weasley managed to knock them to the floor this time.

"Next, to my stuck-up cousin Draco-"

"This is so predictable..." Malfoy muttered as the executor continued.

"-I leave a boot to the head."

The boot that smashed into his head knocked him to the floor, and when he came up again, his hair was messy, and he too sported a sole print on his face. "Ugh, I knew it..."

"And one for Molly and the wimp!"

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had just been about to stand up again, when the boots knocked them to the floor once more.

"And next, to Hermione Granger-"

Hermione started sweating. "Oh, I don't want nothing, honest..."

"-who took care of me that time I caught the flu... who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..."

"Oh, I didn't mind..."

"To Hermione, I bequeath... a boot to the head."

Another conjured boot smashed into Hermione's forehead, knocking her out of her chair with a surprised, "Ooh!"

"And one for Molly and the wimp!"

A pained, "Ah!" and a, "Oh," were heard as the boots smashed into the Weasleys, who hadn't even had time to get up.

"And so, to my house elf, Kreecher, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the head!"

From outside, a smash could be heard, sounding heavier than the boot Hagrid had been smacked with, following by an old, pained grunt, and several curses.

The executor waited until the curses had died down, before he continued. "And so, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head," he said as he ducked behind the podium, grabbing for something, and soon came back up, holding a Tasmanian Devil by the scruff of its neck, "but for a rabid Tasmanian Devil, to be placed in his... trousers..." Quickly, he stuffed the Tasmanian Devil down his pants, a pained expression immediately appearing on his face as the Tasmanian Devil went wild. "AH! OOH! ANDILEAVEMYENTIREESTATEOF50,000,000GALLEONSTOMYGODSONHARRYSOTHATHECANAFFORDTOMOVESOMEWHEREDECENT!" The executor reached down his pants and pulled out the Tasmanian Devil, before throwing it back into its cage, before looking over the crowd, letting out a pained sigh.

"Is that it?" Mr. Weasley asked as he got up, helping Mrs. Weasley to her feet.

"That's it?" Malfoy asked, while Hagrid growled.

"Tha's disgraceful!"

"There's one last thing for everyone, except for Harry, since I already gave him enough," the executor continued, and silence ensued. Then, Hagrid said something smart.

"Cover yer heads, ever'one!"

"I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."

Everyone gaped.

"Ice cream?"

"Ice cream?"

"Ice cream, that's all?" Malfoy demanded, getting a nod from the executor.

"That's all."

"Well, what flavor is it?" Hermione asked, and Harry knew the answer before it came.

"Boot to the head."

The boots that started flying around the room hit everyone at least twice, save for Harry, who just sat there laughing.

It seemed that Sirius got one last joke in, even after his death, he thought to himself as he left the room, while the others tried to duck from the boots that flew around the room. Malfoy was even unlucky enough to get hit by the boot intended for Hagrid.

--In heaven--

James Potter and Remus Lupin gave Sirius high-fives.

"That was awesome, Padfoot!" James exclaimed with a wide grin on his face.

"Did you see the look on Malfoy's face when that massive boot hit him?" Lupin asked as he laughed, loudly, while Sirius wiped tears of mirth out of his eyes.

"Prizeless!"


End file.
